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188 
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IF 



THE VISITING 
SMITHS 

• _ BY ■■ , " ' ' 

DELIA HEYWOOD 




PRICE 25 CENTS 



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Franklin, Ohio bj^ Denver, Colo. 






i! 



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'II! 



The Visiting Smiths 



A FAECE IN THREE ACTS 



-r= 



By 
DELIA HEYWOOD 



•^ 



Copyright 1920, Eldridge Entertainment House 



-Published by- 



ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE, 

FRANKLIN, OHIO DENVER, COLO. 



'GiO 56391 



DEC 30 !92D 



1^ 



<'V»,0 



The Visiting Smiths 



ACT I. 

(M". avd Mrs. Charles Smith seated at a Ubrarij ta- 
ble, reading. 

Mr. S'l'.i'ith — { tailing aside his paper) I met a man oa 
the street today, who reminded me of one of the numer- 
ous relatives that used to live in our old town at Smith's 
Corners A queer-looking individual with a pompous air, 
though one could see he was fresh from the country, i 
must confass that our branch of the family contains more 
odd specimens of humanity than could be g-athered to- 
egther anyvv'here else than at Smith's Corners. By the 
way. that is why Father miOved to this city. We are two 
hundred miles from oar old home, and as Smith's Corner 
people seldom travel farther than the nearest village, we 
have been free from the invasion of second and third cou- 
sins — and cousins-in-law, who devoured our substance, 
rnd made no end of work and M'orry for poor Mother. 
But I've been uneasy in my m.ind since I met that swag- 
gering rustic. It is barely possible that he is one of our 
Smiths and that he may ferret us out. 

Mrs. S. — Oh — ^wcll — never mind. We must be hos- 
pitable. I'd really enjoy meeting one of those odd char- 
acters. 

(The bell rings. Enter Mr. Jeremiah Smith, ushered 
m by the, maid. He advances toward Mr. C. Smith, and; 
gra^sps his nand, which he continues to shake, while mak- 
ntg him^self kno^jjn. 

J. Smith — Heow dye dew, Charlie? I'm awful glad 
I found ye ovit. 

3 



k. The, Visiting Smiths 

C. Smith — But — excuse me — I don't remember hav- 
ing met you before, my friend. 

J. Smith — No, I s'pose ye don't. I'm yer cousin, Jer- 
emiah Smith. Your pa an' mine was second cousins; so 
that makes us — le's see — third or fourth — I dun' know 
which, but that don't make no difference. I don't egg- 
sackly recollect yeou, seein' we was both little fellers 
v/hen your folks moved away; but I've heerd so much 
talk about Uncle Joe's family that I feel purty well ac- 
quainted. I knowed I'd be sure of a welcome. There 
ain't .ao freer-hearted folks in the world than the Smiths. 
I guess the Smith's Corner folks never would a-knowed 
where to find ye if Squire Rice's son hadn't come to the 
city this summer. Yeou'U be apt to see some of 'em be- 
fore long. They git eout from home more'n they use tew. 

Mrs. Smith — You have already had supper, I sup- 
pose? 

J. Smith — No, I hain't. Fact is, 'twas ruther late 
when I got in on the train, and I sez to myself, sez I, 
"Cousin Charlie'U take it as an insult if I should go to the 
hotel for supper." I'm here on a little business that'll 
take me several days to Iransack an' we'll have a chance 
to git better acqviainted before I leave. 

Mrs. S. — (taps bell. The maid enters.) 

Mrs. S. — Bridget, you must prepare supper for this 
gentleman 

Jeremiah — Now, don't go to no great trouble. I ain't 
one of the pertickler kind. 

(The doorbell rings violentbj. Enter Miss Tabitha 
Smith, a maiden lady attired in a very old-fashioned, cos- 
.lume. She cames an umbrella and has several packages 
in her arms.) 

Miss T. Smith — (with a jerky botv) Heow dye dew, 
nephew, heow dye dev;, niece? I see ye don't know who 
I am, an' 'tain't no wonder, seein' as Charles, here, was 
only a year-old baby when I left Smith's Corner to work 
in the fact'ry down to Lowell. I'm yeour Aunt Tabithy, 
Charles, that is, I'm an own sister to yer ma's uncle's 



The Visiting Smiths 5 

wife. Well, there! I didn't pay the hackman — couldn't 
make out the change. Yeou wouldn't mind settlin' the bill, 
would ye, nephew? An' please bring in ray biinnit, an' 
my canary cage, an' my travelin' bag. (Exit Mr. S.) 

(The doorbell rings arjain. Mr. Peleg Smith enters, 
foilowed by his loife and six children. He grasps Jer^e- 
miah by the hand, exclaiming in a deep bass voice.) 

Peleg — Heow are ye, Charlie? 

Jeremiah — Yeou've got the better o' me. I'm Jere- 
miah Smith, of the Corners — 

Peleg — (turning to Chas. Smith) 1 might ha' knowed 
this is Charlie — got the same kind o' roguish look he alhu; 
had. (Grasps Mr. Smith by the shoulder as he entetrs,, 
carrying To^bitha's belongings, causing him to drop the 
bonnet box.) 

Tahitha — Nephew, you're dretful careless, seems to 
me. That's ma's best Vamnit spilt out on the floor. She's 
had it fifteen year, an' I brought it deown ter hev it made 
over. Wal, 'tain't hurt, I guess. 

Charles — (to Peleg, loho still retains his grasp ow 
his shoulder) Really, T am at a loss — 

Peleg — S'pose ye be' S'pose ye be! I'm Peleg 
Smith, junior — yer Aunt Samanthy's oldest son — yer 
Uncle Jotham is dead, yer know. (Turnn to Mrs. C. 
Smith.) This is Mis' Charlie Smith, I guess. Heow dye 
dew, marm? I hope to see ye well. 

(MTs. Peleg Smith and childreii are brought forward 
by the husband and father.) 

Peleg — Let me make ye 'quainted with my wife, Cou- 
sin Charlie — my wife, Mis' Smith. An' here's our young 
ones. Hezekiah, he's the oldest, goin' or. fifteen ; an' here's 
Hannah an' Jeruyhy an' Henry Clay. All got good, old- 
fashioned names. 

(The bell rings again. Adoniram Smith, a vet'if 
flashily-dressed young man. with a rather rowdyish air, 
is ushered into the room by Mrs, C. Smith.) 



6' The Visiting Smiths 

Adonircm — Good evenin* all i I called to see my cou- 
sin, Charlie Smith, but I'll be blamed if I know which ir. 
which. 

Charles — I am Charles Smith, and you are my cou- 
sin — who? 

Adoniram — I reckon yeou never heerd of me, an', 
considerin' that Fm your Uncle William Henry's young- 
est boy, and that he moved to Indiana before I was born, 
you couldn't be expected to. I 'lowed to come north an' 
take a squint at the sights — see the elephant, ye know^-7- 
»n' git acquainted with some of our folks in York State. 
We heard from Uncle Zimri Smith, that your dad made 
■(iuite a little fortune before he died, an' that he set you 
up in business. Got my pockets picked on the train, an' 
sc I ain't quite t-o flush as I was when I started, but I 
reckon you'll lend me a little of the needful until I can 
hear from home. My old man's doin' well — got a right 
emart chance o' land on Goose Creek Holler— mighty 
tight-fisted, but he'll sure hev to pan out a little of his 
dough to yours truly. Mebby you could git m.e inter 
some payin' business. I don't propose to drudge on no 
•old farm as m.y dad does, now, I tell you. 

Tabithn — {v.)ho has been rocking violently in a- 'big 
chair.) Niece, I'm feelin' kinder faint in my stomach. I 
s'pose you've ben to supper, but mebby the hired girl 
could make me a cup o' tea, an' set out a little somethin' 
to eat. 

Mrs. C. Smith — Pardon me- — I will have tea made 
directly — in fact Bridfret is already preparing supper for 
Mr. — Mr. — ^this gentleman. (Points to Jeremiah.) 
And, perhaps there are others who would like supper. 

Adoniram — Fact is, I'm. as hungry as a bear. Seein' 
some rascal stole my pocket book, I couldn't take suppei 
in the dinin' car. 

Peleg — My woman brought a lunch from home, but 
the youngsters got away with it all in no time. Yes, we 
can all do justice to a square meal. 



The Visiting Smitfis 

Henry Clay — (a six-year-old urchin) Goody! Goody! 
Ma said we'd git lots of nice things to eat down to Cousin 
Charlie's. 

Mrs. C. Smith — (ta'ps hell. Enter Bridget) Please 
set the table for eleven. Charles, run out to the bakery 
and get some bread and cake — and stop at the grocery for 
some canned salmon. Our familj^ is small, you know, 
Mrs. Smith, (turning to Mrs. Peleg) and sometimes the 
larder runs low. 

Mrs. Peleg — Well, I guess I know how that is. My 
young ones and Peleg himself, are dretful hearty eaters. 
Tabitha — I dunno's I spoke of it, but I can't bear 
•Javj' tea. I hope you've got that blended kind. 

Mrs. Charles *S.-— Well, no — but Fll send for some to- 
morrow. (Exit Charles Smith.) 

Mrs. C Smith — (rising) Please let me escort you all 
to the dining room. Charles will be back in a few min- 
utes. I know you are very hungry. 

CURT.\IN. 



ACT IL 



(Scene — Same as Act I.) 

Mrs. Smith — 0, I'm so tired I I wonder how long 
this visitation will last. 

Charles — (gloom,ihj) I've no idea. 

Mrs. Smith — And, Charlie! Just think! Those styl- 
ish cousins of mine, Janet and Julia, will be here lomor- 
row. And our pink tea — I've invited guests already for 
Tuesday evening. Whatever shall I do? (She raises her 
handkerchief to her eyes.) 

Bridget— Well, mum, I've got 'em all off illegantly to 
bed. The ould maid — it's beggin' yer pardon, I am, mum, 
for spakin' so disrespectfully of yer relation, the maiden 
leddy — she grumbled a dale about her room. It wasn't 



8 The Visiting Smiths 

the nice one she ixpected, not much foiner than Squair 
Somebody's folks had down to Smith's Corner. An' the 
bye with the cross eye — bad hick to him — has desthroyed 
the rug* in the East room coraplately in the act of spillin' 
a bottle of casthor ile on it. An' two of the byes got into 
a fight and in throwin' yer purty little statoos at each oth- 
er, hit yer illegant mirror an it's cracked from top to 
bottom. Misther Peleg Smith's that handy at spittin', 
mum, that he's likely to decorate yer furniture in a foine 
iashion. They just nately fill the beds, mum, an' it's me- 
silf that'll slape on the hearth-rug the night. I've made 
you an illegant bed in the bath tub with the sofa cushion 
for a pillow, an' there's a blanket left for Misther Smith. 

Mr. Smith — (rising and pacing the floor) This in- 
vasion is enough to drive a man mad. Probably another 
horde of Smiths will s^voop down upon us before the week 
ip out. I'll not stand it. J'U have my name changed. I'll 
— (telephone rings. Mr. S. goes to phone.) Yes, this 

is Charles Smith's residence. Cousin Zephaniah and 

wife? I've no cousin by that name, that I know 

No, I can't accommodate you with sleeping quarters. Bet- 
ter go to the hotel Never mind T^e no time to lis- 
ten to you. Good-bye. (Turning to tcife) it never 

rains but it pours. Was ever a man so persecuted by kin- 
dred? 

Bridget — Misther Smith, it's mesilf that hates to say 
it, but Oim not able to enjure the work, an' so I'll be ask- 
in' for my wages in the mornin'. (Exit.) 

Mrs. Smith — (sobbing) Oh, Charles, what shall we 
do? 

Mr. S. — Do? I'll order the whole tribe out of the 
house. I'll sell out tom.orrow. We'll go to Mexico— -South 
America — anywhere out of the way of my relations. 

Mrs. S. — Charlie, dear, I can't bear to think of your 
rudely ordering them away. An idea has just occurred 
to me, whereby we may rid ourselves of our unwelcome 
visitors. Let us feign sickness. Of course v/e will be 
guilty of deception, but then the exigencies of the case 
seem to justify it. 



The Visiting Smiths 9 

Mr Smith — All is fair in love or war, and in soine 
other emergencies as well. You're a genius, Maud Eliza- 
beth Smith. The flu is abroad in the land, and I heard 
yesterday of a few eases of small pox in the city. Im- 
agine the consternation of these dear cousins of mine 
when they find no breakfast awaiting: them in the morn- 
ing. Ha! Ha! Ha! 

CURTAIN 



ACT III. 

(Same room. Mr. C. Smith lying on a couch, covered 
with various articles of clothing. His ivife reclining ire, 
an easy chair with feet elevated on another. She is veryi 
pale, owing to an application of face potvder. Var*ious 
bottles of medicine arc on the table. Bridget in attend- 
ance. Footsteps sound, near. Children's voices heard. 
Enter Jeremiah, Pcle-j and family, Miss Tabitha, with 
Adoniram in rear.) 

Jeremiah — Hello! Why, Charlie, what's the matter? 

(A groan and. some muttered unintelligible words are 
his only answer. A low moan escapes the lips of Mrs. S., 
who seems asleep.) 

Mrs. Peleg — I^and sakes! Are they both sick? 

Bridget — Indade, mum, they took that bad that Oim 
afraid they've got the flu, or worse yit, the smallpox. 

Miss Tabitha — (screams) The flu! Smallpox! 

Bridget — Well, m.um, it's more than ioikely, seein' 
there's so many dyin' of both diseases in this city. 

Mrs. Peleg — 0, Peleg! Let's git eout o' this place, 
for mercy's sake! Hurry, children, run upstairs. Oh, 
dear! We've been exposed already. 

(A great scramble is made to exit.) 
Adoniram — (linger.; behind, the others. Soliloquizes) 
I reckon it's no use thinkin' of gettin' any help from! 



10 The Visiti7ig Smiths 

Charlie. I'll have to pawn my watch. Jewhillikens ! How 
he groans and mutters ! Crazy as a loon, I vow. It's sure 
some awful disease, an' I'm l)Ound to ketch it, if I don't 
git out o' here. {Runs from room. ) 

(When the s&iind of hwryhig footsteps and excited 
voices have died aioay, Mr. Smith jumps from his couch\ 
and dances about the room in r/reat glee. .Bridget clap.^ 
her hands, ivhile Mrs. Synith hursts into uncontroUabU 
l-jughter. ) 

Mr. S7nith—Wei], Bridget, liow about your wages ^ 
Bridget-Sure, it was mesilf that spoke too hasty,. 

last night. I've niver s thought o' lavin' the loike? o' you, 

an' the misthress. 

Mr. Stnith — (lays his hand caressincjhj on his ivife'i 

shoulder.}' Hurrah for you, little wife! Your strategy 

has succeeded in repelling this invasion of kindred. 

(Bridget stands v-ith folded arms beside the pair, a. 
l-Toad smile on her good-humored face.) 



CURTAIN 



^^^^^^ 



r^ 



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a short sketch telling how the Smith's 
Corner Smiths descended on the New 
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